Kicking Butt on "Cat's in the Cradle"

As far as I can tell, I might be the only person on the planet who absolutely detests this song. If you're unsure which song I mean, you can listen to it below. For me, hearing just the first few notes alone makes me nauseated, so I won't be playing it, but feel free to listen to the whole ugly thing if you want to:

Fair warning: if you love this song, stop now. Don't read this post, because I'll probably ruin the song for you forever. Seriously, stop reading right now if you have fond feelings for it.

Still here? Okay . . . you've been warned. I heard it at the grocery store the other day, gripped the cart harder, and I think my lip turned up in a snarl. Blog it! came to mind, so you can thank Albertson's for today's post (and my overly loud opinions) for the chance to get it off my chest once and for all.

So many people think "Cat's in the Cradle" is such a great, nostalgic piece, a song that not only has a simple, wonderful tune with clever lyrics, but it serves as a warning to parents to not throw away the time we have with our children. To relish the now.

Wow. Sniff. Let's wipe away a tear.

Or something.

Then, for good measure, there's a nasty little warning thrown in: if you don't spend time with your children, they'll turn out just like you, the person who threw away cherished time! (THE HORROR!)

Obviously, I'm being snarky--evidence that I have issues with the song.

First off, I prefer any work (song, book, etc.) to not browbeat me with the message. If there's a message, fine. But don't use a hammer to slam me over the head with it repeatedly to make sure I not only got the message but feel totally guilty for any parenting mistakes I've ever made.

Let me figure out the message on my own, thanks. Assume I have a brain. That way, not only will it stick better, but I won't feel preached down to. I swear, this song is one of the most didactic, preachy things I've ever heard. (Message: guilt, guilt, guilt!)

Second (and this is where I get REALLY annoyed), the song's own lyrics don't hold up what it's trying to preach.

Let's take a look-see:

The father is a self-centered, immature dork. I don't think Harry Chapin himself would argue that, since it's sort of the point. The father has no time for those he loves, as evidenced by when his son repeatedly comes in each verse asking to spend time with his father. Of course, each time the father blows him off.

At the end of each verse, after being denied time with his father, the son turns back and says the haunting little promise/threat, "I'm going to be like you, Dad. You know I'm going to be like you."

So here's the big question: Does the son turn out like his dad?

The song declares that he does. I say he doesn't.

Okay, sure, the son's a bit self-centered in the verse where he's in college. But all adolescents go through the stage where friends become the center of their lives and parents tend to become less important. That's actually rather healthy, as much as we parents don't like it when our kids become independent and take on their own lives.

But it's the next part that really gets me: it's where the son is a husband and father himself.

Is he really like his dad?

I say, no way.

Here's why:

The tables have been turned. The father is all proud and decides that now he wants to spend time with his son. In other words, the father is still a self-absorbed, immature dork. He still wants things to happen on his timetable, and to heck with everyone else's.

He calls (by all accounts, out of the blue) hoping to spend time with his now-grown son. He doesn't ask to see if there would be a good time to get together. He tries to get together right now. Today.

The son says he'd love to see his dad, but right now isn't the best time because:

1) He has a new job keeping him hopping and

2) The children have the flu.

Both very good reasons not to meet now. Let's look closer at the son's reasons:

1) He is a mature man who understands that supporting his family is of the utmost importance, especially with a brand new job.

(I'm sorry but who in their right mind would blow off the duties of new employment just to do lunch with Dad? And what older parent would expect such a thing from his son except for an immature, stupid jerk?)

Plus:

2) The children have the flu. The son is obviously helping his wife take care of their sick children. Which means he is spending time with his children, something his own father never did. Hello?!

Both of the son's reasons for saying no reveal that he never did turn into his father.

He's a better man, a better father than his own. He's not a selfish dork whose life revolves around himself. Instead, he's a mature man whose life revolves around the family that he's currently raising.

His life just doesn't happen to revolve around his self-centered, egotistical father.

And that is exactly as it should be.

If the son had answered the phone call with, "Sure, Dad, let's go out to a movie," and left his wife alone to care for the feverish, miserable kids by herself, he would have deserved a smack upside the head.

But he doesn't do that. He knows his duties as a father and a husband and stands by them. To heck with Dad, who was never there for him when he was a boy. Instead, he is there for his own wife and kids, thank you very much, probably cleaning up vomit right next to his wife.

In the meantime, the father is still immature and selfish, expecting the world to revolve around his desires, expectations, and timetable. If he can't have what he wants when he wants it, then whiny, whiny, whine, my son's grown into a selfish person. Um, no. But the father can't see beyond himself.

This is why I cannot hear the song without wanting to tear my hair out.

One of the last lines just kills me: "My boy was just like me."

No! No, he wasn't.

Mr. Father Idiot, don't flatter yourself. You got lucky. Your son turned out great in spite of you. Just because your son isn't going out to dinner with you or otherwise hanging out with YOU (a person who totally neglected HIM) doesn't mean he isn't cuddling next to his feverish daughter with a book tonight, and it doesn't mean he isn't playing catch with his son tomorrow after a hard day's work at his new job.

You already know from his own mouth that he's taking care of his children in ways you never took care of your own.

This may come as a surprise, but that's how real parenthood works: it's about the children, the next generation. It's about sacrificing for them. It's not about you. It never has been.

Get over yourself.

Phew. Glad I got that off my back.

There are ways to write a song that make a parent want to grasp every minute with a child without preaching and without guilting them into it. (And without using faulty logic.)

The one below is one of my favorites. It could be because I have three daughters, but I weep every time I hear it, and it runs through my head often on school-day mornings as my girls walk out the door with their "school bags in hand." It makes me want to be a better mother, to "capture every minute."

Much better than that "Cat's in the Cradle" nonsense. Amazing that the two songs were written all of seven years apart from each other and have such different views of a similar topic (scare tactic versus uplifting and encouraging).

I'll take ABBA's perspective any day.